Elon Musk I am not a robot robot

There are no humans anywhere, I’m losing patience

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting impatient on the internet robots. They think they are very smart. And they are not.

Perhaps the most annoying of them all is the happy companion you get when you call Apple and ask to speak to a representative. The robot is talking. He has this sweet voice that says, “I am an automated system that can understand complete sentences. I can turn you into an agent but tell me the reason for your call today. I can give you three options.”

He says this proudly, as if he wants you to share this delightful feat on his full sentences, considering the fact that he’s just a humble robot.

However, when you reach him directly, he can’t understand what I’m saying.

“Can you hook me up with a real person please?” I ask again.

“One, you could say, ‘Technical support.’ Two, you could say, ‘Current system.’ Third, you could say, ‘Make a purchase.’”

“Did you hear what I wanted?”

“One, you could say, ‘Technical support.’ Two, you could say, ‘Current system.’ Third, you could say, ‘Make a purchase.’”

“I asked you to connect me with a real person. Can you do that?”

“One, you could say, ‘Technical support.’ Two, you could say, ‘Current system.’ Third, you could say, ‘Make a purchase.’”

So much for complete sentences.

This is another conversation I had with a robot. Siri was. I was talking with a friend about snoring and sleep apnea. He wanted to know what sleep apnea sounded like.

I told her, “Hey, Siri.”

“Hmmm?” She said.

“Please play the sound of sleep apnea snoring.”

It couldn’t be a clearer request.

“There is no song called ‘What does snoring look like during sleep,'” she said.

I’ve clashed with the robots that manipulate the thermostats in my house. I didn’t know thermostats had robots. This thermostat is from Google Nest. When you approach them, they light up with the indicated temperature. I was told it can be programmed to raise and lower the temperature if you can tell.

One day, all of a sudden, my thermostats sent me an email.

“Unfortunately, your nest thermostat You did not report all of your energy usage for two months in a row, so we have estimated your usage based on the available data. We’re missing info from the bedroom Nest Thermostat. We’re looking at information from three Nest thermostats: the basement, the living room, and the library. Here’s how I did.

Then the email described a kind of marginalization. As a result, they gave me a leaf symbol.

Do you think a human sent this? No human anywhere sitting next to a screen day and night scribbles numbers about energy consumption in my bedroom. I will not allow it.

Something especially annoying happens to the robot when I watch a baseball game on TV. Clarence Hightower comes out. second. It’s a very wild game.

“He hasn’t hit the St. Louis Cardinal five times in a row since Clark Bananas did on May 7, 1998.” The announcer says. He says this right after that poor soul sways and misses the third pitch. Which the announcer then announced was a reverse slider traveling 89 mph out and down below the strike rectangle.

And oh yeah, the bot immediately got into what just happened in the most amazing and profound data bank ever made in the entire world which, in a split second after it happened, can tell you the entire updated career, year, month and day of Mr. Hightower’s last pathetic swing. The man is toast.

There are some things that sports fans should not want to know.

We’ve come to the point where we humans, now on the defensive in certain important online transactions, are asked to tick the box that says, “I’m not a robot.”

Have you not checked this box before? I own. Leads to a police alert with dozens of officers arriving at your door within 15 minutes. They bring nets to catch the monster. They lead us to it, they tell me.

It got to the point where when a robot flips the table on me after calling me saying they want to tell me something but for my protection they can’t say anything else until I answer a whole series of questions, I give them an answer they don’t want to hear.

“Can I have your date of birth?” Android asks.

I say “If you give me your date of birth first”.

I’m stiff. They don’t have a birthday, of course. Or if they do, they are not equipped to tell you what it is.

One of the most especially annoying features about engaging a bot in a conversation is that when it suddenly pops up on you, it can hear what you’re saying even while it’s talking to you.

Humans cannot do that.

“Say your date of birth please.”

“15, 19 August …”

“You could say January 1, 2001.”

“…89.”

“Thank you.”

They have a speech gap and a listening gap that are separate from each other.

“Bah!”

Sometimes I really lose my temper.

“Do you want to exceed your account balance? I can handle that for you. Just say the phone number associated with your account.”

“I don’t want to talk to an idiot bot about my account balance. I want to talk to a real person about my account balance!”

“My mistake. Can you please put the phone number connected to your account back?”

“Someone flew over the cuckoo’s nest.”

“My fault.”

Soon, I expect to have a conversation with a friend that continues like this. I know he has a daughter who celebrated her third birthday last week.

“I hope you made it a special day.”

“We did.”

“And I want you to give her my regards. And tell her I have a gift for her when I see her.”

“You will. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“number.”

“And are you sure that’s all you need from me?”

“yes.”

“So you were fully able to fulfill your request?”

“yes.”

“If you’d like, stay on the line after we end this call so you can complete our survey.”

#humans #losing #patience

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